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News
Eli Roth Admits Most Of ‘Ice Cream Man’ Not Made Using AI
16+ hour, 3+ min ago (282+ words) LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. “I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow…...
Tips For Starting Your Own Business
16+ hour, 37+ min ago (152+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it…...
Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species
19+ hour, 38+ min ago (205+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Threatened Animals Finished Off At White House BBQ WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at…...
‘Same Great Taste’ Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snack’s New Look
19+ hour, 38+ min ago (192+ words) PHOENIX—Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed. “My legs nearly…...
The Rails
19+ hour, 38+ min ago (157+ words) Why settle down in one place when the whole country can be your home? Grab your bindle, hop one of these boxcars, and you’ll always have a roof over your head and a corner to defecate in. Reference #368409 The post…...
Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson
19+ hour, 38+ min ago (342+ words) NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources…...
Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact
3+ day, 19+ hour ago (189+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed An estimated 9% of Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding eating disorders. MYTH: Most people with eating disorders are young. FACT: They just look…...
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda
3+ day, 19+ hour ago (145+ words) The happy couple were wed in a quiet ceremony attended by 20 friends and one new virus the rest of the world will learn about soon enough. The post Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda appeared first on The Onion. Turkey Gobbles…...
Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’
3+ day, 19+ hour ago (89+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing “endless, ongoing public scrutiny” of her health and physical appearance. What do you think? “I can’t…...
Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work
3+ day, 19+ hour ago (123+ words) The post Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work appeared first on The Onion. Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He’s Gay Attempt To Spell ‘Mayonnaise’ Devolving With Every Effort Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot…...