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News
Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting
3+ hour, 31+ min ago (269+ words) SAN MATEO, CA—Noting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done…...
Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song
3+ hour, 38+ min ago (116+ words) The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song appeared first on The Onion. Autistic Husband Gifted Label Maker Badly Cast Political Ad Features Bus Driver, Construction Worker, Bus Driver, Bus Driver, Bus Driver Fat…...
DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons
1+ day, 7+ hour ago (93+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved…...
Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty
2+ day, 7+ hour ago (77+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think? “Great, so I sent all of…...
Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office
3+ day, 4+ hour ago (131+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of…...
White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe
3+ day, 4+ hour ago (282+ words) WASHINGTON—Dismissing public concern about the president’s health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a cantaloupe....
David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals
3+ day, 4+ hour ago (231+ words) LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues in voiceover claiming…...
Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer
3+ day, 7+ hour ago (115+ words) The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion. Lesbian Softball Team Brings In 4’9” Ringer Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company 138 Dead As Loud Sneeze…...
Mark Zuckerberg’s Yacht Fails To Respond To Maritime Distress Call
3+ day, 7+ hour ago (88+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed After a megayacht owned by Mark Zuckerberg failed to respond to a distress signal from a skiff that had run out of fuel, a spokesperson for the centibillionaire claimed his crew did not hear…...
Tips For Getting To School Safely
4+ day, 5+ hour ago (170+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers…...