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News
Iran War Enters 6th Justification
1+ hour, 27+ min ago (90+ words) The Onion Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named After Different Martin Luther King Dog Understands Loneliness Of Success After Tug Of War Victory Loud Friend Makes Loud Point Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Step With…...
Report: Artists Not Boycotting Grammys Down To Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, Sugar Ray
2+ hour, 4+ min ago (277+ words) SANTA MONICA, CA—Stating that they were looking forward to another spectacular and soul-stirring awards ceremony in February, the Recording Academy confirmed Friday that the list of artists not boycotting the Grammys was down to Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, and…...
Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation
22+ hour, 1+ min ago (272+ words) PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me…...
Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise Face Off Alone On ‘Celebrity Family Feud’
23+ hour, 3+ min ago (101+ words) The post Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise Face Off Alone On ‘Celebrity Family Feud’ appeared first on The Onion. Bump Taken Off Fentanyl Test Strip Sign Clarifies Street Named After Different Martin Luther King Dog Understands Loneliness Of Success After Tug…...
Pros And Cons Of Arresting Netanyahu
1+ day, 5+ hour ago (132+ words) A new poll found that 49% of Americans believe the U.S. should arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, compared with 27% who do not and 23% who are unsure. The Onion examines the pros and cons of enforcing the ICC warrant. Could boost interest…...
Campers Sickened By Mushroom-Laced Chocolate
1+ day, 5+ hour ago (80+ words) Over a dozen children at a YMCA summer camp in New Jersey became ill after eating chocolate they were unaware was laced with psychedelic mushrooms. What do you think? “Chocolate has gotten so much more potent since I was young....
Meatpacking Plant Workers Weirded Out By Guy Older Than 16
1+ day, 5+ hour ago (316+ words) HOLCOMB, KS—Confused and even disturbed at the sight of a new employee who recently appeared on the processing line, workers at local meatpacking plant Carlyle Foods confirmed Thursday that they were weirded out by the presence of a guy…...
Taylor Swift Sues Ella Langley For Bangs Infringement
2+ day, 1+ hour ago (276+ words) NEW YORK—Arguing that the country artist’s hairstyle was damaging the value of her own well-established signature look, pop star Taylor Swift filed a lawsuit Wednesday accusing Ella Langley of bangs infringement. “Ms. Langley’s shaggy curtain bangs are clearly a…...
Grave Concerns
2+ day, 5+ hour ago (98+ words) The post Grave Concerns appeared first on The Onion. Loud Friend Makes Loud Point Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Step With America Gathering Of Pigeons Shown Who Is Boss Report: Every Goddamn Light In The House On Dubai Revealed…...
Adult Man Genuinely Inspired By AI Video Of Lion Wearing Rolex
2+ day, 5+ hour ago (244+ words) IRVINE, CA—Eyes widening in awe as the 3D-rendered content appeared on his Instagram feed, local 38-year-old Derek Ludlow reported Wednesday that he felt genuinely inspired by an AI-generated video of a lion wearing a Rolex. “Holy shit, this cat’s…...