6+ day, 7+ hour ago   (139+ words) Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you’ll ever be able to afford because that’s just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436 The post What…...

3+ week, 4+ day ago   (179+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Candidates from the left’s Democratic Socialists of America party have been gaining momentum around the country in primaries leading up to the midterms. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the DSA....

3+ day, 3+ hour ago   (104+ words) The post The World According to Harp appeared first on The Onion. New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (260+ words) THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (277+ words) HERSHEY, PA—Calling into question the candy brand’s apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of eating Rolos. “Rolo roll call!...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (113+ words) The post Home Heeled Advantage appeared first on The Onion. Dept. Of Tautology Rereleases Report For Second Time Sixth Beer Steps In To Speak For Area Man Study: Majority Of Nation’s Sweat Now Produced From Eating Spicy Wings Wedding Ring…...

2+ week, 2+ day ago   (243+ words) Friday, August 28, 2026 Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion: How did you get…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (124+ words) The post Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92 appeared first on The Onion. Sixth Beer Steps In To Speak For Area Man Study: Majority Of Nation’s Sweat Now Produced From Eating Spicy Wings Wedding Ring Jammed…...

1+ week, 5+ day ago   (290+ words) NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a…...

1+ week, 6+ day ago   (261+ words) Monday, August 31, 2026 Hope you like cicadas I don’t know exactly when my time will come, but when it does, I want a truly remarkable animal that embodies the full splendor of nature to gorge upon my lifeless form. Our world…...