7+ hour, 16+ min ago   (310+ words) LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In Memoriam…...

3+ day, 48+ min ago   (256+ words) As the weather cools down, millions of Americans are adjusting their wardrobes accordingly. The Onion asked celebrities to share their favorite fall fashion tips to help you look your best this autumn. Explore the list in detail “Eyes are kind…...

3+ day, 7+ hour ago   (325+ words) WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…...

4+ day, 7+ hour ago   (120+ words) This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles without dying. Reference #633879 The post Commuter’s Dream appeared first on The Onion. Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked…...

5+ day, 7+ hour ago   (168+ words) Tuesday, September 8, 2026 Hope you like cicadas The FBI warns artificial intelligence is being exploited around the globe by criminals who use the technology for deception. The Onion shares tips for detecting AI scams. Check if the message is signed “Captain…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (260+ words) THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (237+ words) Friday, September 4, 2026 Hope you like cicadas Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix’s newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (91+ words) Friday, September 4, 2026 Hope you like cicadas The CEO of Pabst Brewing Co. put up a $20,000 reward to anyone who could provide information that leads to the recovery of 1,602 missing cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee beers. What…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (534+ words) Thursday, September 3, 2026 Hope you like cicadas From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves…...

1+ week, 6+ day ago   (279+ words) PHILADELPHIA—Admitting they had not expected the star forward to have such an immediate impact on the team, Philadelphia 76ers officials told reporters Monday they were taken aback by how quickly Jaylen Brown had converted nearly the entire roster to Islam....