1+ day, 5+ hour ago   (310+ words) LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In Memoriam…...

4+ day, 5+ hour ago   (325+ words) WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…...

5+ day, 5+ hour ago   (91+ words) The post Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion. Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted Evidence Old Thing Really Heavy Silent Protest Sparks Silent Debate Dept. Of…...

5+ day, 5+ hour ago   (117+ words) The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge. The post Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott appeared first on The Onion. Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma…...

6+ day, 5+ hour ago   (118+ words) Family and friends of Shawn Graham, 56, were shocked and saddened to learn that it costs $300 to submit an obituary to a newspaper. The post Shawn Graham appeared first on The Onion. Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted…...

1+ week, 5+ hour ago   (201+ words) Monday, September 7, 2026 Hope you like cicadas World’s No. 1 Vector Of Disease Eliminated From Nation ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (237+ words) Friday, September 4, 2026 Hope you like cicadas Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix’s newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a…...

1+ week, 4+ day ago   (315+ words) MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. “Whether you’ve been sideswiped…...

1+ week, 4+ day ago   (534+ words) Thursday, September 3, 2026 Hope you like cicadas From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves…...

1+ week, 4+ day ago   (277+ words) HERSHEY, PA—Calling into question the candy brand’s apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of eating Rolos. “Rolo roll call!...