4+ day, 7+ hour ago   (91+ words) The post Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion. Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted Evidence Old Thing Really Heavy Silent Protest Sparks Silent Debate Dept. Of…...

5+ day, 44+ min ago   (342+ words) MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy Alcantara…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (534+ words) Thursday, September 3, 2026 Hope you like cicadas From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves…...

1+ week, 4+ day ago   (298+ words) MARIETTA, GA—After the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition for most…...

2+ week, 1+ day ago   (92+ words) Sunny enough to heat–but not burn–ants with a magnifying glass A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually....

2+ week, 2+ day ago   (243+ words) Friday, August 28, 2026 Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion: How did you get…...

2+ week, 2+ day ago   (319+ words) INDIANAPOLIS—Contending that the proposed restrictions were “common sense” and necessary to preserve the integrity of the sport, Indiana Fever shooting guard Sophie Cunningham claimed Friday that any woman who averages more than eight points per game should not be…...

2+ week, 2+ day ago   (91+ words) Friday, August 28, 2026 Stricter work requirements enacted in the Big Beautiful Bill have caused enrollment in the SNAP food assistance program to plummet over 13% over the past year as provisions kick in. What do you think? “If they want food so…...

2+ week, 2+ day ago   (266+ words) LOS ANGELES—Responding to scrutiny concerning her tech billionaire father, artist Stella Lefty admitted in an interview Friday that nepotism may have played a role in helping her get Groupon+. “I had to set up the account myself, but yeah,…...

2+ week, 3+ day ago   (123+ words) The post Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’ appeared first on The Onion. Rest Of Waiting Room Getting Blurrier, Harder To Make Out Fourth Slice Of Pizza Consumed Without Facial Expression Autistic Husband Gifted Label Maker Badly…...