2+ day, 21+ hour ago   (113+ words) The post Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed appeared first on The Onion. New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just…...

5+ day, 46+ min ago   (342+ words) MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy Alcantara…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (113+ words) The post Home Heeled Advantage appeared first on The Onion. Dept. Of Tautology Rereleases Report For Second Time Sixth Beer Steps In To Speak For Area Man Study: Majority Of Nation’s Sweat Now Produced From Eating Spicy Wings Wedding Ring…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (534+ words) Thursday, September 3, 2026 Hope you like cicadas From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves…...

1+ week, 6+ day ago   (279+ words) PHILADELPHIA—Admitting they had not expected the star forward to have such an immediate impact on the team, Philadelphia 76ers officials told reporters Monday they were taken aback by how quickly Jaylen Brown had converted nearly the entire roster to Islam....

1+ week, 6+ day ago   (337+ words) AURORA, IL—Confirming they would soon emerge from the nation’s basements, computer labs, and AP History classrooms to dominate 5K courses across the nation, America’s quiet, gangly kids in cargo pants announced Wednesday that they planned to be freakishly good at…...

2+ week, 1+ day ago   (124+ words) The post Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run appeared first on The Onion. Independent Bookstore Acquires Cat Play Within A Play Also Boring Father Points Out Rhode Island License Plate Rest Of Waiting Room Getting…...

2+ week, 2+ day ago   (319+ words) INDIANAPOLIS—Contending that the proposed restrictions were “common sense” and necessary to preserve the integrity of the sport, Indiana Fever shooting guard Sophie Cunningham claimed Friday that any woman who averages more than eight points per game should not be…...

2+ week, 4+ day ago   (337+ words) DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing frustration over their friend’s increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their group who has other things going…...

3+ week, 2+ day ago   (115+ words) The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion. Lesbian Softball Team Brings In 4’9” Ringer Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company 138 Dead As Loud Sneeze…...