3+ day, 12+ hour ago   (113+ words) The post Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed appeared first on The Onion. New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just…...

3+ day, 18+ hour ago   (104+ words) The post The World According to Harp appeared first on The Onion. New Study Finds 81 Percent Of Starbucks Patrons Silently Judging Each Other For Being There Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma Just Called To Talk About 1956 Police Lose Planted…...

3+ day, 22+ hour ago   (388+ words) More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they’ll readily tell you why. They’ll say it’s too expensive, or boast about how they’d rather focus on traveling or their careers. Some will even argue…...

3+ day, 22+ hour ago   (325+ words) WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…...

4+ day, 18+ hour ago   (310+ words) TORONTO—Sharing new details about what fans could expect next from the hit series, Heated Rivalry producers teased Wednesday that Season 2 would follow an arc in which character Ilya Rozanov is diagnosed with a form of depression only curable via…...

5+ day, 22+ hour ago   (299+ words) WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over in the saddle of a runaway horse. This afternoon the president was seen flopping languidly…...

5+ day, 22+ hour ago   (253+ words) CARY, NC—Describing the experience as “a revelation,” 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given a diagnosis of stupid. “I remember googling the word ‘stupid’ for the first time, reading…...

6+ day, 22+ hour ago   (139+ words) Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you’ll ever be able to afford because that’s just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436 The post What…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (237+ words) Friday, September 4, 2026 Hope you like cicadas Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix’s newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a…...

1+ week, 3+ day ago   (277+ words) HERSHEY, PA—Calling into question the candy brand’s apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of eating Rolos. “Rolo roll call!...