3+ day, 7+ hour ago   (325+ words) WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…...

5+ day, 3+ hour ago   (93+ words) Hope you like cicadas The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite little evidence to support its use, claiming the procedure increases blood flow to the penis. What do…...

5+ day, 7+ hour ago   (299+ words) WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over in the saddle of a runaway horse. This afternoon the president was seen flopping languidly…...

5+ day, 7+ hour ago   (253+ words) CARY, NC—Describing the experience as “a revelation,” 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given a diagnosis of stupid. “I remember googling the word ‘stupid’ for the first time, reading…...

6+ day, 7+ hour ago   (201+ words) Monday, September 7, 2026 Hope you like cicadas World’s No. 1 Vector Of Disease Eliminated From Nation ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday…...

2+ week, 4+ day ago   (261+ words) COLUMBUS, OH—Telling the 54-year-old there was no reason to panic over the fist-sized bulge that had recently begun shifting beneath the skin of his abdomen, local physician Alan Keller reportedly reassured patient Eric Madsen on Wednesday that the lump…...

2+ week, 5+ day ago   (214+ words) CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. “Oh Jesus, it…...

3+ week, 2+ day ago   (115+ words) The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion. Lesbian Softball Team Brings In 4’9” Ringer Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company 138 Dead As Loud Sneeze…...

3+ week, 5+ day ago   (94+ words) Smoggy with a soupcon of ragweed Geneticists used CRISPR to produce twin beagle pups who do not make the lead allergy-causing protein found in dogs, opening up new possibilities for gene-editing technologies. What do you think? “One day I’ll be…...

3+ week, 6+ day ago   (271+ words) MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to…...