4+ day, 7+ hour ago   (117+ words) The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge. The post Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott appeared first on The Onion. Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked Grandma…...

1+ week, 2+ day ago   (260+ words) THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly…...

1+ week, 4+ day ago   (298+ words) MARIETTA, GA—After the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition for most…...

2+ week, 5+ day ago   (271+ words) PHILADELPHIA—Suggesting that the nation was increasingly prioritizing speed and efficiency in speaking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that more Americans are abandoning lengthy conversations in favor of one really big word. “Our…...

3+ week, 5+ day ago   (123+ words) The post Inter-Not-So-Stellar appeared first on The Onion. Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company 138 Dead As Loud Sneeze Startles NRA Meeting Tree Planted In Man’s Name 9 Years Ago Shows Up At Doorstep Nervous Realtor Throws In Second…...